Date: 02-November-2007, 10:39 Subj: Tiny Monsters Filter:    Public Tags: musing

This was not written for here, but I'm not going to publish it "there." This venue is as 'open' as it gets.
Plus.
Anyone reading my chatter in this abysmal, random spot, has my adoration.

There are lots of things about myself that I've been "self-correcting" since puberty.

One of them is my tendency to 1) talk fast and 2) talk a lot and 3) lack of tact.

4) Unhinged silliness. Giggling fits. Breaking down laughing. Not knowing when to stop / shut up / leave it alone / go away. "What the fuck are you on?" I still hear it, but not as much.

5) CUNT. I can be mean, oh so very mean, and cutting, and snooty. See lack of tact on that part. If I thought it, I said it, and since it was true, it needed to be said. I've been a bad girl, but I try to be more discriminating these days.

6) Cold. A lot of this started out as "making up emotions" but it's true what they say, if you fake it long enough, you get the drift. I actually made a comment yesterday from an effort to be truly empathetic. My husband was the best at this one. He sat me down and told my affect made him feel like I wouldn't care if he was dead or alive. That I didn't care if anyone existed or not.

I'm pretty sure I do care. I really believe I do. However, I don't act like it at all. I like people. I enjoy them, but if anyone disappeared... I react to that thought by shrugging. Sure. I might even cry, but so? Shit happens. Anyway, just because I'm a borderline sociopath doesn't mean I have to act that way. I can pretend to care. People like that. So when I come home. I say hello. I hug him. I ask him about his day. I tell him about mine. I even would stand at the door and force myself to enter the house with a smile.

My "normal" face looks like an murderous scowl, I hear.

It's worked. I don't have to coach myself to be 'warm' anymore.

And... we still haven't gotten to the point of this post.

7) V A N I T Y
Fuck people. I'm vain. I'm oh so vain. Deep down I think I'm a queen and worthy or worship and praise. I think I'm beautiful, most beautiful. I'm brilliant, interesting, alluring. My shit stinks, but it's the best stink you'll ever turn your nose up at.

Yes. That monster. That monster I keep serious tabs on. Because that monster makes other people feel worse, especially people I like: WOMEN. I fucking love looking at, adoring, and being around women, but most women are so painfully insecure. You straighten your back and she takes it as a challenge.

Well, just any insecure person. I can't love me as much as I love me and expect anyone to want to be near me. I don't know why, but that's the way the fucking game is played. I can't talk about myself and all my glory because no one fucking cares but me. I get it. I understand.

So, I try to garner attention by being worthy of it. I don't ask for people to like me, I make myself likeable. I'd fucking hate to be an attention whore.

Worship is only as sweet as when another person views you as a goddess, not when you proclaim yourself as one.

Why am I talking about all of this?

*sighs* Some things, they just rub my vanity wrong.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG THAT I CAN'T GET MORE ATTENTION?!

*pitiful laugh*

So not important, but, questions like that burn bright in my head for a moment, and it's times like that when I have to say, "Settle down, cutie."

[I suspect it's because I'm married, but I didn't ever not have these thoughts when I was single. So, not that great a reason.]

Wow. This is definitely one of those times when I should type something up then delete it. Chalk that up to much of the "no one cares about what you have to say" mantra.

So funny though, after all these years I'm known as quiet, serious, kind, friendly, and ... well no... I think people know I think incredibly much of myself, just not how much of a monster I could be about it.

And now we're done.

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